Life Experiences

It’s a Good Life.

The idea of having a baby scared me so much that it paralyzed my decision making. I knew I wanted one and as year by year passed, I found myself passing through some prime mothering years and was still very scared of having one. 
Our son was very much a surprise, a blessing, and a conundrum. What would I do? All I knew was how to be a strong female in a male workplace, constantly put to the test mentally. I figured I would go crazy being a stay-at-home-mother, having only known the fast paced life and satisfaction of gainful employment. I wondered if I would even be a good mother, knowing my patience had been worn out by so many years of customer service. 
Yet, here I sit, typing away on a Sunday afternoon while waiting out naptime, watching the breeze whip through the hedges outside my window and the air conditioning blowing on my bare feet. It is a good life. I put up a very strong fight to keep the strong-working-female way of life but it broke my soul to be away from my little one. No matter my success, my mornings were melancholy and my evenings even more morose. So, as females do, I followed my instincts to where I sit today. Some people were shocked, others looked at me in pity. Some actually challenged me that I was leaving because I was too weak to rise to the occasion. It was like jumping from a cliff into an ocean; the water is much nicer. 
I get lonely and I do miss a few of my colleagues but I have had more lunches and coffee dates with my best friends than in the last 10 years. I’ve been catapulted into this secret society that is the stay-at-home-mom network; where play dates, mom’s night outs, and crafts bring out a very female vulnerability and camraderie. They aren’t competitive Stepford Wives I had imagined (though, I am sure they are somewhere). They are people who are challenged every day by their little humans and husbands and they come together for friendships out of a deep need for someone who is also in the trenches of motherhood. It is complex, primal, and breathtakingly beautiful. 
Sometimes you can’t see the beauty of a thing until you are in the thick of it. I had so much unfounded fear. Life has taken many sudden turns and my controlling instincts want to stop these changes abruptly. And then my spontaneous, life-loving husband reminds me to just enjoy the journey and remember that we are lucky to be here. 

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